Tis the season of cold weather, freezing fingers, and blue toes… Sounds simply wonderful. Yeah right! For all of you crazy duck n’ goose hunters out there, this time of year is freaking awesome! You have hung up your bugle and replaced it with a duck n goose call necklace, cleaned off the crusty deer hair gunk off of your binos, suited up in Wetlands camo, given your trusty old lab a pep talk, cleaned your shotgun, and strapped the Mojo Duck to the roof of your truck. You are ready…It is officially time to pull out that Little Debbie covered waterfowl stamp and blow the elk hair off of it. Now you are hoping to share this shot gun shell blasting experience with someone you love…but she is not too excited for the opportunity to freeze her ever-lovin’ booty off. What do you do? You make some guarantees and FOLLOW THROUGH with them or I can without a doubt say this will be a onetime only expedition. I suggest the following:
1. Stock her blind with hot Starbucks coffee and hot chocolate laced with Schnapps…everyone has more fun if Schnapps is involved.
2. Do not make her drag the 200 pound bag of decoys out across a snow covered field or try and jump a creek with said 200 pound bag…UGG boots are not made for cross country snow expeditions.
3. Fill her UGG boots and gloves with a steady supply of hand and foot warmers.
4. Do NOT, I repeat, Do NOT use her blind as a shelter for the dead…No; she won’t think that they are cute I can promise you that.
5. When all else fails…Bribe her. Seriously, a chick flick in exchange for freezing her butt off and becoming partially deaf seems like a pretty good deal…for you.
6. Don’t make her be the retriever.
7. Don’t make her be the “flag-man”.
All I know is that if you can convince the fairer sex to come out on a duck and goose blasting extravaganza, and if you play your cards right, you might just get a shot gun shell blazing, duck quacking, goose honking, Wetlands camo wearin’ maniac that will drag your butt out of bed at 5 a.m. on a Saturday morning…What could be better than that? (Keep all dirty thoughts to yourself please) Once you convince her, this is your opportunity to have the best duck quacking, goose honking symphony of nature. So load up the stink wagon, plow through a few snow drifts, and get ready to tear some sh## up! And forget the coffee! Who the hell has time to drink coffee when there are birds comin’ in hot? I am warning you though…Once you have created this monster…there is no going back, no re-do’s, no do-overs. If your lil’ slinkly velour suit, UGG boot wearin’ sweetie morphs into a waterfowl obsessed woman in Wetlands camo, I would suggest purchasing some ear plugs, two sets of calls, and two sets of binos cuz’ I can guarantee yours will be missing! Oh, and remember to try and not cry when she outshoots you, ok?
Kristen Berube lives a crazy, laugh-filled life with her outdoorsman husband Remi and their three camo-clad children in Missoula, Montana. A graduate of Montana State University and the Northern Alberta Institute of Technology, she loves being a mom and enjoys hiking, fishing, and camping. “Confessions of a Camo Queen: Living with an Outdoorsman” is her first book. –
It is available for purchase at: