Winter is coming to an end and the outdoorsman is excitedly planning out a year’s worth of trips and excursions. No, not trips to Disneyland, Hawaii, or even a weekend romantic getaway with his beautiful wife… but trips scouting for every animal under the sun, turkey hunting, lake fishing, river fishing, bow shooting practice, bow hunting, rifle hunting, deer hunting, elk hunting, antelope hunting, duck & goose hunting, good gawl, must I go on? This my friend, are the PLANNED trips, not the spur of the moment, “EMERGENCY” trips. What the heck is an “EMERGENCY” trip? In the outdoorsman world, the term EMERGENCY, is used for only the supppper important situations, NOT for your pregnant wife going in to labor or the house burning down- well, unless his camo and guns were inside of the burning building.
“EMERGENCY’ trips are those trips that you get informed of about 30 seconds before the outdoorsman prances his merry camo buns right out the door before you can even say a peep. You know he HAS to leave because the Squala hatch is onnnnnlyyy happening TONIGHT! The bulls are only bugling TONIGGGGHT! The geese are in the field ONLY tomorrow morning! I think the outdoorsman is going to give himself a heart attack one of these days as he works himself into a panic about missing one second of outdoor fun.
Every spring we actually have a sit down meeting, just my outdoorsman and myself and go over his excursions so that we both have them marked out appropriately so that he doesn’t get murdered or double-booked. I must say, it is fairly difficult to find a weekend for a trip to Disneyland. The outdoorsman says that there is no need to ever leave here because Montana has everything you could ever want. Sigh… I bet he will rethink that when he is freezing to death here in January and the rest of the family has their toes in the sand, drinking pina coladas. Well, I will be drinking pina coladas at least, not the kids!
I have to admit I have figured out some tricks to live with someone who is this crazy. I do feel that my integrity has been compromised somewhat though, but hey, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do…I must place some blame where blame is due in this situation…I have been forced to become a flaming LIAR!!!! The outdoorsman has forced me to tell lies about the time of any commitment. Yes, our child is “actually” due in March, not April. Yes, dinner with my parents is “actually” at 4 p.m., not 7p.m. I am waiting for the outdoorsman’s naughty lying tendencies to rub off on me…”No, dude, my bull was a 7 x7, not a 3×4!” Ok, ok, I suppose I am being converted to the outdoorsman style fibs, because, “Honey, those shoes were only $50 bucks, not $200!”
You know you are strapped to an outdoorsman when you carry around a calendar just to see if you are having dinner alone that night! Unfortunately for the wild animals around here, the outdoorsman has their every move documented on the calendar for the prime time to attack. On the plus side, I see a lot chick flicks and get pedicures whenever I feel the need without him harassing me.
Why just today the outdoorsman calls me all in a dither because TONIGHT is the ONLY night he can get with his other “wife”, AKA his hunting partner, to pick out their tags for this fall. BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT…he conveniently forgot we actually had long standing dinner reservations tonight…Sigh… Guess I will be having wine for TWO-alone!
Why do I put up with this camo clad maniac? Well… if I were to try and lock up this camo maniac, I am afraid it might look something like this…. Yipes! So I guess all I can say is to keep that calendar handy to make sure of all the time you have to go shopping!
Kristen Berube lives a crazy, laugh-filled life with her outdoorsman husband Remi and their three camo-clad children in Missoula, Montana. A graduate of Montana State University and the Northern Alberta Institute of Technology, she loves being a mom and enjoys hiking, fishing, and camping. “Confessions of a Camo Queen: Living with an Outdoorsman” is her first book.
It is available for purchase at: