Somehow I missed the part in our wedding vows that stated the outdoorsman morphs into a different animal every season of the year based on the mating seasons of wild animals. What this basically means is that I get to see what every kind of horny animal acts like, except in human man form. Lucky me, it happens to be turkey season. Let your imagination run free with what that simple statement could entail, and I promise it is worse in real life. The gobbling, the strutting, the dirt scratching, the beard flaunting and the hen calling…Help!
It is a peaceful Sunday morning and I am all nestled in my warm bed, excited to actually have one day to get to sleep in…Well at least until my pack of barbarian children wake up! So anyways…I am lying there, half awake when all of the sudden the outdoorsman jumps up and is standing on the bed making this God awful racquet. Let me tell you, that is one hell of an alarm clock. So what is the outdoorsman doing you wonder? Apparently spring turkey season is upon us. Apparently he heard a tom gobbling outside of our cracked window. Apparently you simply must gobble profusely out the window and jump on the bed like an escaped mental patient at this time. Seriously, he pressed his face against the window screen so hard he had screen indents on his nose. I almost can guarantee that is not how the professionals turkey hunt…Just sayin’…
So now the horny turkey man is awake and fired up to go get him some “turkey hen”; this meaning that he has put on his full suit of turkey hunting camouflage, has drank an entire pot of coffee while gobbling out the kitchen window, has a second pot brewing for his time spent gobbling in his blind, has black stripes across his cheek bones, and is blasting Luke Bryan’s “Huntin’ & Fishin’” song.
Do you know what nails on a chalkboard sound like? Well that is basically what a hen turkey call sounds like. There is this little “stick” scratcher thing that looks kind of like a pencil and then you scratch it on this little round “chalkboard”-like plate. The sound is horrifying and gives any normal person goose bumps and makes them cover their ears. To an outdoorsman, this is like Mozart. Lucky for me the outdoorsman decides it is time to alternate between tom and hen calling. I really think that my ears might be bleeding.
I wait a few more minutes, praying for relief, when I hear him stomp out the door and head to his blind. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus. I get up anyways, because by now I am definitely awake. I get up and dink around the house and figure I am free for the day when all of the sudden the outdoorsman comes running into the house, feather stuck in his hat, toting a dead tom over his shoulder. He is as happy as a pig in sh##!
All I have to say is that I hope that the 6 a.m. gobbling and hen calling will be over now…Yes; I do know that is wishful thinking. Sigh!
Thankfully my outdoorsman is only a horny turkey at sunrise and sunset for a few hours. I hope that that is the case for you as well. Good Luck!
Hot Tip: Keep your windows shut and your ear plugs in.
Kristen Berube lives a crazy, laugh-filled life with her outdoorsman husband Remi and their three camo-clad children in Missoula, Montana. A graduate of Montana State University and the Northern Alberta Institute of Technology, she loves being a mom and enjoys hiking, fishing, and camping. “Confessions of a Camo Queen: Living with an Outdoorsman” is her first book.
(Feature photo via mentalfloss.com)