Ice Fishing=Death by Hypothermia (by the Camo Queen)
By angelamontana

Posted: January 18, 2016

deathbyhypothermiaI literally get goose bumps when I say the words, “Ice Fishing”.  Brrrrrrrr….. My goose bumps are different than the outdoorsman’s goose bumps at the mention of these words.  His are goose bumps of anticipation, mine are full body shiver goose bumps and dreading freezing all of my appendages off, even the ones he likes.  I warn you…this is dripping with sarcasm.

So let’s get this straight.

While dreaming of a Hawaiian vacation, you are rudely interrupted by a wild man squawking about ice fishing.  He claims it will be soooooo fun!!  We will get to sit in comfy chairs, access a heated camper, eat snacks, sip Bailey’s and hot chocolate, and wait for that big ol’ monster to bite.  Sounds like a pretty decent Sunday afternoon, right?

deathbyhypothermia2The Truth…

So at last the lake is frozen!!  In theory it should be significantly frozen, but for the maniac outdoorsman 1-2 inches will do.  Sounds like a personal problem, huh?  Ummmm….RED FLAG!  He expects me to go park my happy butt on 1 inch of ice? I mean seriously, 1 inch of ice barely keeps beer cold in the cooler!  “They” say 1-2 inches is enough to park a truck on…Who is this “they”???  “They” must be absolutely crazy!   I secretly envision being trapped under the ice, my blue face smashed under the ice, visible to all those above me and clawing helplessly at the 1 inch of ice, trying and failing to escape.  Therefore, death by drowning and hypothermia, SUPER.  Two ways to go that really don’t sound all that fantastic to me.  Have I mentioned I despise being cold?

Anyways…I give in and go sit on the veryyyyy edge of the ice, so that maybe I will have a chance of survival WHEN, not IF, the ice caves in…
So now we get this ice auger and drill a hole.  Luckily, drilling through an inch or two of ice literally takes about 30 seconds. Next, we get out these “tip-ups”…Sounds dirty….But anyways you put this “tip-up” thing over your ice hole. “Ice-hole”…Hee hee…  I personally think these “tip-ups” take all of the fun out fishing.  You set this contraption over your ice hole, rig it up and wait for some little flag to pop up, indicating you have a fish.  So….isn’t part of the fun actually feelideathbyhypothermia3ng the bite and reeling like a maniac before the sucker gets away?  This is basically cheating.  And it makes fishing as boring as watching paint dry, but I guess I do have free hands to sip on my Baileys…Which I did receive, as promised.

So I sit….

And I sit some more…

I stare at my bucket of chubs…honestly, who names this stuff? Sounds like another personal problem…hehe

I sit…

I play about 100 games of poker…

As I sit there, shivering, snot-cicles frozen to my upper lip and toes so cold that I can no longer feel the pain radiating in them, I think of all the things that I could be doing rather than slowly dying, staring at an ice-hole. Ugh!! The four layers of long johns, snow pants, ski coat, three pairs of wool socks, the wool hat and scarf are not doing their job, to be honest they never stood a chance.

After staring at my ice hole for hours and catching a few dinks, I am ready to quit. I am slimy, stinky, and to be quite honest, I am freaking colddddd!  I have eaten a blackened hot dog over the fire we made on the ice and my coffee and Bailey’s is empty.  Then all of the sudden my “tip-up” flag begins waving and jumping.  deathbyhypothermia4Hollllllyyyyyy sh##!! This must be the monster I have been waiting for!  I grab my mini-pole and reel like a maniac.  Wahooooooo! Awesome day!

 Exactly one hour later…

As I sit in my warm bubble bath, my toes and fingers are defrosting, and I have a smile on my face.  I must say, that whopper was worth a little frostbite.  The outdoorsman?  He is still out there, freezing, praying he’s going to hook something bigger than mine so he can show his face at the dinner table.

bookcamoqueenKristen Berube lives a crazy, laugh-filled life with her outdoorsman husband Remi and their three camo-clad children in Missoula, Montana. A graduate of Montana State University and the Northern Alberta Institute of Technology, she loves being a mom and enjoys hiking, fishing, and camping. “Confessions of a Camo Queen: Living with an Outdoorsman” is her first book. – 

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