A Caged Outdoorsman (by the Camo Queen)
By angelamontana

Posted: March 27, 2016

springfeberHave you ever seen an outdoorsman in March? You know, just when the winter feels like it is lasting forever and spring is taunting us with peek-a-boo sunshine?  That little spring peek-a-boo, as any game of “peek-a-boo” does to a man, turns the average outdoorsman into a wild animal.  If you were to come to our house around March you would feel like you were visiting the city zoo.  The main attraction will be the camo-clad barbarian pacing the living room floor, staring out the windows, grunting and generally freaking everyone out.  The mini-barbarians- the kids are ALMOST as bad.  Everyone likes good freak show though, right?  Come on over.

For some reason the outdoorsman thinks that I WANT him to stay home rather than getting out and getting some exercise.  He is dead wrong.  When the spring weather hits, I want the wild beast out of the house, otherwise he drives everyone absolutely insane with his constant sighing and whining about wanting to go do something.  I must say though, it is quite entertaining to watch his tactics as he tries to find ways to try and trick me into letting him out of his cage.  Little does he know, I can’t wait!  I absolutely know how parents of teenagers feel.  I hear every story in the book.

Method 1: Pity

  1. “C’mon honey, I am getting so out of shape, I just need to get out of here and get some exercise.”
  2. “Everyone else gets to go.”
  3. “John’s wife said he could ONLY go this weekend, so I HAVE to go too.”
  4. “All I ever get to do is work.”

Method 2: Flattery & Sweetness

  1. loveitAfter I just have eaten my weight in cupcakes and I am as white as a ghost after the long winter, he won’t stop saying how hot I am.
  2. MY FAVORITE: He brings me coffee in bed, in the mug that says, “I LOVE WHEN MY WIFE LETS ME GO HUNTING”
  3. I hear this a lot…You’re so beautiful, you are the best wife ever, and I am just so lucky that you let me do all of the stuff you do.
  4. Flowers, just because. I am instantly suspicious.

Method 3: Digust

  1. Yes, I do love getting dutch-ovened in bed every night. Please, go hang out with your other fellow camo barbarians they love the smell of farts.
  2. Apparently you do not need a cup do drink milk. You can actually drink straight from the container and then leave it empty IN THE FRIDGE.
  3. Yes, scratching your junk is definitely ONE way to pass a Saturday.
  4. Hmmmm….well I guess I know how the booger collection mysteriously got under the couch cushion.

Method 4: Annoyance

  1. No, no, honey you don’t have to put a new roll of TP on the holder after you use it all up. Yes, I do know that your insides are torn up after your night out at the wing joint.
  2. No, no, honey, you don’t have to throw your racing striped- dirty skivvies INTO THE HAMPER, the floor is just fine.
  3. No, no honey, I just love to sweep the floors 500 times a day when you tromp mud and dead grass in all over the house. God forbid, you don’t take your mud caked shoes off at the door.
  4. No, no honey, I can’t wait to pick up your dirty dishes from all over the house.
  5. No, no honey, you don’t have to close the cupboard cabinets after you open them.

Method 5: Trickery

hoorayThis is one of my all time favorites.  So every spring the outdoorsman says that he feels like the winter is just sooooo long and that we need to plan a vacation.  So, of course, I am imagining Hawaii, the Bahamas, or even Phoenix.  Wrongo- sweetie!  The actual options are-

  1. A nice, long, relaxing week off HORN HUNTING.
  2. A nice, long, relaxing week off WOLF HUNTING.
  3. A nice, long, relaxing week off watching him FISH, while sitting in the snow/mud combo with all of our children. Um, no.

Well…I guess I can honestly say that I know what a prisoner being released looks like after 30 years of not seeing sunlight and only living on bread and water.  The most entertaining part of the spring for me is when I open the door and the outdoorsman darts out like a rabid coyote and begins rolling around the grass- I think he must be pretending that there is some dead animal carcass there.  Poor fella, I am happy for the entertainment that he provides me every spring.  One of these years he is going to figure out that I am just as happy to let him loose as he is to get out and gallivant around the forests.

bookcamoqueencamoqueenKristen Berube lives a crazy, laugh-filled life with her outdoorsman husband Remi and their three camo-clad children in Missoula, Montana. A graduate of Montana State University and the Northern Alberta Institute of Technology, she loves being a mom and enjoys hiking, fishing, and camping. “Confessions of a Camo Queen: Living with an Outdoorsman” is her first book. – 

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