We have experienced a lifetime of unique toilets in our lives. When you gotta go, your quality standards are lowering fast and in a hurry. We have all played the Game of Thrones!
Spot o Pots are nasty! Like vault toilets, they sit and stew until they are pumped out. Usually, they are out in the sun where thew stew and brew all day long. Even if you hold your nose as long as possible, you will usually run out of breath before you finish your business. That one breathe will become memorable. In the series The Game of Thrones, the king took his last breath on the castle’s toilet throne.
The Big Daddy was a boat that my Uncle Jim owned. As kids, we used it to swim and enjoy the day along the Potomac River. This cabin style boat had a flushing toilet on board. The flush just went into the river. We would often dive off Big Daddy’s roof into the river, always looking first for any submarines that may surface.
One of my favorite thrones was at the base of several oak trees. These trees had a main trunk that had fallen away and left a perfect woodland throne. The tree potty was perched at the end of a ridge where I would listen for spring gobblers, in the early morning.
Remote woodland logs can make for a perfect throne. When we hunt the same areas, we discover these prime potty spots. Usually, they are where a fallen tree has laid at just the right height. A crotch where a second limb protrudes makes a perfect double-cheek seat. Just make sure that the branched log is sturdy and no snakes are underneath.
River Dumps do not require a throne. Your body is buoyant enough to float in the current. The advantage of a river dump is that no after-wiping is needed. Just make sure the outcasts float downstream and don’t gather in your back eddy.
My daughter has always been potty challenged. Going wild-woman style has always been tough. On one antelope hunt, she needed to go. We were in an open field in the middle of no-where. I found several old fence posts and layered them Lincoln log style. This gave her elevation and support. I stayed over the ridge, so she had her privacy.
RV’s offer many amenities, but the crapper better have a good vent fan. Some air freshening is also important. A small camper leaves very little to the imagination. The walls offer no sound proofing, and the stink can become overpowering when being used or stored in the black water tank. For number ones, they are fine but for number twos, maybe go to the camp toilet or find a wilderness spot.
My Dad told stories of using the throne in North Africa, during WW2. A long box was built that would fit 50 fannies at the same time. Holes were on opposite sides, but no walls or roof was erected. Everyone was outside. Many of these soldiers smoked as they used the throne and occasionally, one would toss their cigarette back into the hole. The methane gas would ignite, and fannies would float off the throne as the gas exploded.
We have all used old outdoor outhouses at camps. They usually offer a can of lime to help knock down the scent. Mice, snakes, and insects can be of concern. Back in the day and even sometimes now, you may find shelled corn cobs or old catalogs to use for wiping.
Primitive people just squatted and took care of business. No one bathed or wiped so everyone stank and was dirty. If they did wipe, they used grass or dirt to clean themselves. A swim in the river would take care of any filth.
In modern terms I would suggest some helpful tips. Always carry emergency TP. If you don’t need it for potty use, it makes great fire starters. A package of unscented baby wipes will prevent any rash or irritation. I keep these handy at every camp for the campers to use. A sanitary hand wipe is also a great idea. No one wants to get sick at camp.
Be #1 with your #2!
Montana Grant
